Most of us can escape our single lives at any time if we’re willing to give up on the forever love we’re hoping for and settle for what’s available here and now. But even though we can give in and find someone who’s good enough to spend our days with, there’s so much more we’re willing to hold out for, and I won’t ever settle on someone who’s just good enough.

Sure, anyone can find someone with a job, a house, and working parts to build a family. Anyone can find someone they’re simply content with, but relationships shouldn’t start from a place of just fitting the bill. It’s the substance that exists between two people and it goes far beyond logistics. Real love isn’t just about tolerating each other and being each other’s best friend, it’s also about feeling that burning desire to do anything and everything for each other to keep the passion alive forever.

While I know relationship ruts are a thing, I want someone who’s a fighter like me, who will work through the stuff that gets ugly in life, because it’s bound to get ugly at times. I don’t want easy and I don’t want simple. I want someone who challenges me to my core and pushes me to continue to strive to be the best version of myself while I push them to do the same. I don’t want to just be complacent.

I WANT SOMEONE WHO AWAKENS THE PARTS OF ME I DON’T KNOW YET. I want someone who makes me feel alive not just by the way my heart beats or the air that I breathe, but someone who dissects my soul and shows me new facets of the life that I don’t yet know. I don’t want boring or run-of-the-mill, and I don’t want to get stuck in routines. I want every day to be a new surprise waiting to unfold.

THERE’S A PERFECT PERSON FOR EVERYONE, IF YOU’RE WILLING TO WAIT. I don’t want to wait forever, but I don’t want to rush into things now. I want trial and error and I want to experience the ones I know aren’t my forever because it’ll make it clearer when the right person arrives. How many of us just stop at just good enough and wonder what might have been if we’d just taken more of a chance and trusted that good enough really isn’t as good as it gets?

I WANT THE JOURNEY TO HAVE BEEN WORTH IT. Because if all of the waiting, the hurting, and the longing was in only for someone who just fit the bill in the end, what have I been fighting for this entire time? Maybe I’m a dreamer, and maybe I’m delusional, but I’m not looking for perfection. I’m holding out for my imperfect perfection — the one that makes my insides tremble and the one who invades my mind with endless challenges to my heart. I want more than security and I want more than someone standing next to me in every face of life. I want someone who made this journey worth it. And for that, I’ll never settle.

In my life I do the most I can for everyone I love, and I will now always expect the same.

And that’s exactly what you should do.

“I want you sore, baby… Every time you move tomorrow, I want you to be reminded that I’ve been here. Only me. You are mine.”
― Christian Grey

There is this constant want in some of us women that we are looking for our very own Christian Grey. But what is it exactly about him that we want? Let’s break it down.

HIS POWER-

You see, women are not attracted to men just because of their money.

Women are attracted to men with power. It just so happens that men with power usually have wealth as a result.

Power is about the ability to influence yourself and those around you. When you go out with friends, do you take the lead? Or do you wait for someone else?

A man who demonstrates power over himself by controlling his actions, thoughts and emotions is extremely attractive. Time and time again, Christian’s little “sex slave,” Anastasia, challenges and tests him by pushing him away and questioning his behavior. Not once does the billionaire raise his voice in anger or resentment.

HIS INTENSITY

Watch the movie and pay close attention to Mr. Grey’s impeccable eye contact. You’ll notice many scenes in which the character doesn’t even blink. By holding and maintaining strong eye contact, Christian displays confidence and control of the situation.

His eye contact also creates intense sexual tension between him and Ms. Steele.

HE TAKES CONTROL-

He makes her feel safe and secure—not just because he’s got tons of money, but because he always knows what to do. He knows how to handle himself in any situation and takes the lead.

He doesn’t ask, “Where do you want to go on our date?” Instead, he controls every moment of the situation and brings her into his world.

HE IS POSSESSIVE OF HER-

“Every time you move tomorrow, I want you to be reminded that I’ve been here. Only me. You are mine.”

Women want to be claimed. A woman wants a man who declares her as his. It makes her feel safe and protected and gives her a sense that he truly cares for her.

Every woman on the planet wants a man who will fight for her, and I’m not referring to fighting in the literal, physical sense. I mean a woman wants a man who cares enough for her that he won’t leave her when times get tough or when she is on an emotional rant. Always make a woman feel safe. Safety is a woman’s number one concern. Make her feel like she is yours—only yours.

HE IS VULNERABLE

“I’m fifty shades of fucked up.” —Christian Grey

We are all human and therefore we are all flawed to some degree. For many guys, their biggest mistake is trying to be super smooth and perfect.

Christian doesn’t pretend to be perfect. He shows his human side when he confesses some of his dark secrets.

A great way to connect is to share something intimate or personal. When Christian shares his vulnerable side, it makes Ana feel like she can really trust him and allows her to open up and share things about herself, thus building a deep emotional connection.

HE CARES ABOUT HER INTERESTS

A person’s favorite subject is themselves. Even if you are the most interesting man in the world, if you go on and on about yourself the woman will lose interest fast.

Christian shows that he cares about Ana’s interests. He even finds out what English major she is studying in school and sends her a first-edition book by one of her favorite authors.

HE IS A MASTER OF SEDUCTION-

Believe it or not, a woman wants to be seduced.

Contrary to popular belief, she doesn’t want a man who plays it safe, pretends to be her friend, and then later tries to swoop in under the radar.

Christian begins seducing her from the moment he meets her with his powerful eye contact, use of sexual innuendos, and slow, deep vocal tonality. It is clear from the beginning that their relationship will not be a platonic friendship.

We want to be desired.

I don’t know any woman, any human, who doesn’t want to feel validated. And most of us want to feel attractive. Beautiful. We want to be wanted.

Wanted to the point of distraction? Wow…

We feel powerful.

Being desired feels powerful. We enjoy the status of having an attractive sexual partner. Christian Grey is rich, powerful, and physically attractive

We want to be spoiled. Without her asking because she won’t, do things that make your woman feel like you’d give her the world.

Women are mysterious, to say the least. So what is it that we really want in a man? What are we looking for?

What women want may seem like the secret of the universe but in reality, it is probably right in front of your eyes. In most cases men and women really want the same things. It just appears way more complicated coming from a woman. Mainly because women have a way of not asking you what they need from you. We tend to expect you to have already figured it out.

Women want you to be confident. Women want their men to be confident, someone who can hold a conversation and keep them interested. But, keep in mind there is a difference between being confident and being an egotistical asshole.

Most importantly. Women want chemistry. If I woman truly likes you, it is because of attraction. Not finances, or looks. And I think people tend to confuse attraction just with looks. Chemistry is simply just there or it isn’t.

Women want a man who is upbeat and positive. We like someone who always keeps us smiling and feeling good about ourselves.

Charming, we want charming. Be yourself, and talk about your dreams and passions. Talk about what you care about.

We want romance. And how do you do that? Here are 15 ways.

1. Go old fashioned, Wear a suit, open doors for her, buy her flowers and chocolates, serenade her, pull the chair out for her, wine and dine her.

2. Write her a cute note, and stick it somewhere. Sneak a cute note into her bag telling her she looks pretty or you miss her. She’ll get a lovely surprise when she finds it – and women always love romantic surprises!

3. Send a cute text. Tell her you’re thinking of her, or you miss her. Send her a caring text about her day.

4. Compliment her. If you want to know how to romance a woman, start by telling her how truly beautiful you think she is—especially when it is clear she made an effort to look great.

5. Give her a massage. There is literally no need for explanation. Women love massages.

6. Cook for her. Even if you aren’t the best cook. Doing this every now and then is such a sweet gesture. And goes a long way. Brownie points for sure.

7. Make time for her. This is such a huge one. Even if you are doing nothing. Just hanging out at home. It’s easy, particularly in a long-term relationship, to become like ships passing in the night. Remember making time for one another is so important in a healthy relationship. So, if you know you are guilty of neglecting her, then make time for her. She’ll appreciate the effort.

8. Be spontaneous. Often the most romantic gestures are because they are totally unexpected. Being spontaneous injects adventure, excitement, and romance into your relationship.

9. Send flowers to her workplace or home.

10. Go for a moonlit walk. Taking a stroll together under the stars costs you nothing. It is a romantic start or end to a great evening. You can talk, and bond.

11. Whisk her away. Be her knight in shining armor and whisk her away on the trip of a lifetime *or just a romantic weekend at your local B&B will do!

12. Respect her. Every woman wants to feel respected, so one of the most important and romantic things you do is always make her feel that way!

13. But her gifts. And I say this very lightly. I don’t think this is the only way you should show romance. As that can create a whole problem in itself. But this can be nice to do every now and then. So, make a mental note of what she likes and what she needs. Then, go buy it for her. You don’t need a special occasion, just do it for no reason at all!

14. Tell her how you feel. I am a huge person of words. So I know personally this makes a difference. Express what’s going on, how you love her.

15. Remember the little things. Remember, love and affection is really all in the details, especially when it comes to understanding how to romance a woman. Paying attention to the things she likes and remembering the things she tells you helps you create romantic surprises she is sure to love.

Im proud of you, you made it back. Which means that you are making the steps to come here to heal. And I’m proud of you. Im proud of us. Because as you are reading my words to help you heal, I am healing from writing them.

Today I want to make something really clear. I don’t want you to have expectations that aren’t reality. I don’t want that for me either. And I have had this notion in my mind that healing creates the new you. And sure, you can become a new you along the way.

But, healing is not becoming the best version of yourself. Healing is letting the worst version of yourself be loved. So many of us have the notion of healing, that is it us becoming this amazing perfect version of ourselves.

That is bondage. Right? That is anxiety waiting to happen. Healing is saying that every single version of me deserves love, deserves tenderness, deserves grace. When we get to a place that we can see and empathize with every version of ourselves, even the version of ourselves that we can sometimes be ashamed of. That’s when we can know we are walking in a path of healing.

I’m going to introduce you into the 7 rules of life.

1. LET GO. If it doesn’t make you happy let it go, I know. You’re thinking “ Liz, you’re an asshole. It’s not that simple” but it can be. I’m learning it can be. We hold on to things so much longer than we should. Only to look back and realize we wasted time on that job, that person, that moment. Just because we were scared or attached. Let it go.

2. Never ruin a good day by thinking of a bad yesterday. Life is so short, and that is cliché. But I mean every word of that. And every day you deserve to wake up happier than the last, more successful than the day before, and more in love with yourself than you have ever been. And you can’t allow yourself to do that if you are holding on to the day before.

3. Ignore them. Don’t listen to other people. I wasted so much of my time and life being so worried about what other people thought of me or how I could please someone. And it did nothing but make me miserable. Live a life that’s empowering to you.

4. Give it time. Time truly heals everything. The sadness in your heart will eventually fade. The stress in your life eventually gets solved. There is a solution for everything. And time is always the answer.

5. Don’t compare. Your life, your soul, your body is always going to be different than the person beside you. Live for you, and you will be the best version of yourself.

6. It’s on you. You are the only one who can make change. There is no one in your life that can provide a better life for you than yourself. You are the only one who is truly in charge of your happiness. And when you start taking accountability for yourself, things get so much better.

7. Smile. Getting up every day with a smile and focusing on the positive only makes you do better and feel better. It’s not always easy but going through life with a smile can only make things better.

So today. I’ll leave you with this. Happiness is not the absence of problems, it’s the ability to deal with them. Feeling sad after making a decision doesn’t mean it was the wrong one. You’re not stressed because you’re doing too much, you’re stressed because you’re doing too little of what makes you feel alive. The lesson you struggle with will repeat itself until you learn from it. And lastly, healing is not becoming a better version of yourself. It’s learning to love all the versions of you.

I love you, and I’m proud of you.